i'm tired of playing games. sometimes it's fun to have a lil drama, but not the everyday new event kind. i need a break. i should have gotten one during the long weekend, too much time out, not enough thinking time. so this weekend for sure, i am going to get some thinking time in. i need to be alone to talk some stuff out aloud w/o any interruptions. don't get me wrong, i love being around my friends. it's just that sometimes i need to be alone to process my thoughts and feelings. i'm sure everyone has the same needs. like when i saw jake's women and he did all that role playing stuff, that's kinda what i need on a regular basis. i dunno why though. i just work that way. maybe it's the psych in me.

so back to where i started. i hate being confused. i like living in my naive lil world where things go my way and happen according to how i plan or how i see fit. please stop clouding my vision. everyone really, not just one person. goes back to the flake issue. i let ppl shade my views. i really need to stop that.

so i just realized that i write abstractly and rarely talk about events or specific issues anymore. why is that? is it b/c i don't want ppl to know or b/c i wanna forget? my money's on the former, but who's to say.

ehhh enough for tonight. i need sleep.

i'm like a snowflake. w/o the snow. i blow from place to place letting the wind take me wherever. letting ppl make decisions for me and tell me what to do. blah blah blah.

shoot i know what i want. i just don't like hurting ppl's feelings and telling them what i want b/c it might conflict w/ what other ppl want. and i don't like to make waves. i just like to go thru life being easy. letting things happen, not causing too much trouble.

so what i want right now, is not even close to what i want for next year or in 2 years. a lot of ppl keep telling me what i should want or what they assume that i want. they're wrong. but they're making me skeptical. they make me wonder. they make me confused. they make me think. and i don't like that so much. i like to go thru my life doing things my way, the easy way. but ppl keep making things more difficult.

here's the thing though, i'm not blaming anyone. not at all. it's me being a flake who sways so easily, yet tries to portray the strong, never wavering image. look deep, that's not me, not even close. i let ppl tell me how i should feel until it all builds up and then i'm letting it all out and hurting ppl along the way. myself included.

so here i am. i'm listening to what other ppl say and trying to tell myself that maybe i'm not right, that possibly everyone else is. ya know that makes a lot of sense. my gut instinct isn't right, my heart isn't right. every person who i've ever met and who thinks they can give me advice is right. they know more than me of course. gosh i'm sarcastic. they're not right. it's my fault. i'm the one who lets them alter or misshape what i think or feel. it's too hard to not let it happen though. i can't just change over night. i don't even know if i want to. this all creates drama and sometimes it's fun to have a lil dramatic interpose. okay, no it's not. i want life to be simple and yeah no one else makes it an easier for me, but that's not anyone else's job. it's mine and i need to start taking a stand i guess. that would be nice one of these days. i highly doubt it's gonna happen anytime soon. ahhhh oh well. i'm young, i've got all the time in the world.

so tonight for some reason, i felt compelled to right the situation w/ erin. and like i had assumed, she was as clueless as i thought. she had no freaking clue that i didn't want to be friends w/ her or even stopped considering her a friend. now i'm not sure how i want it to go. like it pisses me off that she can be so apathetic about everything and act so freaking naive. ahhhhhh

so ya know i've got these 20 resolutions. and for the most part i haven't broken them. and already i feel sooo much happier. i feel like i'm getting back to my favorite Courtney. she was sooo much fun to be. that girl didn't care and had sooo much self confidence. 19 more you know whats and i'm prolly gonna be stepping into her shoes again. 29 more you know whats and i'm sooooo her again. that's all i want right now. ok not true. i want something else. funny really b/c i usually don't make decisions (which caused a resolution) but i have made a decision about what i want and i haven't told anyone else about it. i wonder if i will. prolly not, i don't ever tell the real real real private stuff. erin's the only person i've ever trusted w/ that info. and as seen by paragraph 1, she hasn't found out anything about me w/in the last equinox.

so yeah it's gonna be a rough semester. obviously my biggest course load ever, along w/ that stupid thing i took on on monday nite, not to mention what i want to get outta my social life this semester....i'm worried. i haven't really told anyone how scared i am that i'm gonna do bad. i cannot stand failure when it's w/ in me. i don't care about other ppl's failures, only mine. failure is not an option. full plate until you die, has always been my way of life. and now that it's returned, i'm panicking. ahhhh for the first time i actually feel like i'm in college. elementary-junior yr was a breeze. i didn't lift a finger and the A's just found me. senior yr i worked my butt off a great deal but missed too much to do A work, so B suddenly tainted my perfect record. that first and only C about killed me. so i spent senior yr doing work work work only to coast thru my first 3 semesters of college that felt like sophomore yr. now that the goings getting tough, where am i going?