my day was just blah all day. nothing great and nothing terribly awful. until my lovely sorority meeting. sometimes i just have a feeling that there's gonna be a bad outcome and i should stay away from situations. no...i just go right into them full steam ahead and feel like a moron when they go how i don't want them to.

I WANNA GO HOME!!! i need a break my school. from life. from you name it...i need a break from it. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

so i've always been a firm believer that things happen for a reason. it's rare that we ever find out why those reasons are, yet if we really look hard then we can see why they do happen sometimes. some people never look though. i'm the opposite. i'm always looking. i wanna know. i wanna know why i am the way i am and why you are the way you are and why everything happens in my life.

i know why i was born with a cleft lip and palate. that's the easiest one of them all. it's so that i'd be compassionate and accepting. i'd prolly be a shallow witch right now if it wasn't for those two things. which reminds me of another thing, i don't believe in using the words deformity or defect to describe how i was born. abnormality isn't appropriate either. back to my main topic however....i would never wish a cleft lip/palate on my worst enemy, yet if i could change anything about me, it wouldn't be that. not at all. i have so much empathy for people who are born with diseases or other situations that they cannot help. if this didn't happen to me or to my family, i don't think i'd like who i'd be right now.

the depression thing is another easy one. the main reason i went through it was so that i could help other people in my life get through it or at least let me know how i needed to be there for them. once again, that was right in front of my eyes.

questions that i don't understand are why certain people come into my life. why do some get soo close to me and then leave almost right away and why do others stay for long periods of time? why do certain people have such an impact on me day in and day out? why do i have such an impact on some people? i always say that life would be easier if i just knew, but then it would be boring, uninteresting and not very fun.

like w/ my friends. one in particular. is this how it ends? someone who i once thought would always be a shoe-in to be in my wedding now no longer cares or crosses my mind in passing. why did i have that fantastic friendship for so long for it to just tarnish like this?

i could go on, but suddenly my heart is telling me to stop. stop before i say something that i may wanna take back later. wow...that doesn't happen often. so i guess that's it.

so i had quite an unproductive weekend. friday i felt like crap all day and night so i didn't wanna do much of anything. if i wouldn't have gotten the composite taken, then i wouldn't have even showered or gotten ready. the movie that night...yeah well at least ben affleck was in it, that was the highlight. saturday my day passed by real quickly and i didn't do a darn thing. how does that always happen to me? i swear jen and i are like the most time losers of all time. we're not losers. i mean like time passes us by and suddenly it's 3 hours later and we're still doing the same thing or we haven't done a thing. i don't get it. anyhow so sunday i wasn't feeling so well, for different reasons this time. i didn't feel like doing jack all day, so obviously i didn't. then wahoo no school for monday. so i was all pumped, but didn't really use it to my benefit that night. didn't really feel like it. i woke up today after not getting a whole lotta sleep. woke up in quite a horrible mood. i did a lil homework as jen cleaned then i had to reclaim my title as Suzie Homemaker so i started cleaning and doing laundry. by 5pm i had all my hw done, the room was fairly clean and i had already made quite a dent on my laundry. i felt so happy w/ myself. i mean i had all this time to go eat dinner and then watch joe millionaire before my meeting. the meeting was real as usual. then ya know did stuff after the meeting, no biggie. now it's 1am and i'm praying that we at least have a 2hr delay b/c i do not wanna face my physiological psych prof and her broken english telling me and hopefully the rest of the class that we all failed miserably. i mean honestly, that's not what i wanna start my day off w/. would you? i have nothing major due this week, no tests or anything. an intramural game on thursday i think. no biggie there...especially w/ the new girls that'll come in and then they won't need me. that hurts a lil. not that i'm all that great, but i don't suck. i have most of my rush stuff complete for awhile. i have a meeting tomorrow night that i'm not looking forward to, but ya know it'll be like that from now on.

i'm trying to move off campus. i would like to stay here this summer, get a job, become nearly independent. the parents prolly wouldn't be too fond of that. i just don't have anything to go home too really. ya know, who's to say though. enuff for this evening. bed time for bonzo.