lost in a sea of thoughts
so much swirling, nothing standing out
nothing that i can explain to people

hidden feelings, checked emotions
so afraid of losing, unsure of the future
unsure of who i am

can be so much
full potential, lacking in desire
lacking in so much

d-a-m-n i am missing
something really important
why bother, why care
it's all gonna hurt someday

screw it. no point
utterly, completely confused
so much want and desire of THE RIGHT STUFF
so lost as to where to find it
help won't help
answers harm too
decisions made for me
what time is it?

in psychology of personality earlier in the semester we talked about lonlieness. the text defined being lonely as being when a person's network of social relationships is smaller or less satisfying then the person desires. i think for the most part people always desire more in their relationships. there haven't been many times in my life where i was satisfied with the quality or quantity of my social relationships. tho my senior year, i do remember feeling very lonely. after brian and i broke up and erin and i stopped being friends, my life suddenly was really empty. i just had found some positive aspects in my life that kept me going and then aleta and melissa saved me and we had fun. yet i missed the days of having a boyfriend, of being wanted. yeah i dated ricky for awhile and some other no-namers, it wasn't the same. i wanted someone to be there for me. erin and i became friends again and the necessity of a guy wore off for awhile, well only until the whole softball fiasco ended.

but like it's not even not having a boyfriend. it's not having anyone. erin knew every little thing about me. i kept nothing, not one single thing from her. now our friendship is non existent and nice as it would be to have that back, i don't want to be her friend anymore. a best friend is supposed to pick you up while you're down, not tell you about times when they were down and let you lay there. so this is goodbye to you. goodbye to everything that i knew. a lil michelle branch there. seriously though....like i've got some really great friends. back home i now only have aleta. yeah joel, corey, andy, nate and others would do anything for me, but we're not in close contact anymore. so i don't feel any connection to them. i call aleta my best friend, but sometimes i don't know. she's genuine. she cares about me more than most people. i never would have thought that we would have stayed this close, this long. i am glad however. melissa kinda popped her way back in, but she's got a lot of work to do before she can even be in the likes of joel and them. at least she's making the effort.

here at school. there's brittany. i don't know how i would survive some of my classes w/o her laughter. she's included me in things that made me feel special, which we all need sometimes. nicole is there too. nicole is one who is sooo close to joining the best friend ranks. she's a true person, you don't find many these days. that girl would drop an elephant on a dime if i needed her to. she's really a great friend. my best friends here are not your ordinary best friend types. yet i wouldn't change these kids for the world. let's start with will. i think that he and i had like 4 convos total all last semester. over the summer we chatted up a bit on the pc and now i can't go a coupla days w/o going into will withdrawal if i don't talk to him. he and i have been thru so many of the same things. he's the one person who truly understands why i am the way i am and why i feel the way i feel. i worry about him a lot. i don't know what i'd do without him. i think he fails to see what a great person he is. will is one person who takes a compliment. it shows how plain he is, when you just tell him something terrific about him. he's not used to having ppl say he's great. i can't tell him enough though. spending time w/ that kid is non-stop laughter. no one else can appreciate my love for the real world and the desire to be on it besides him. i know that he has contemplated leaving morehead (who hasn't) but i'm not sure how i'd make it thru each week if he weren't here. i don't like to think about it. it makes me sad. the one thing i do know is that when i hear the phrase "we gotta talk" that it's gonna be a good one. and those are times that i love. now onto db. if i described how we became friends, no one outside of morehead would understand. somehow last year, he let me into his life a tad bit. and for some reason i divulged reciprocal info right back. over the summer he became my internet buddy. i don't think i went many nights w/o an aim convo. back at school it was a little different. before we both had jill. now neither one us did. maybe that brought us closer, i dunno. i could tell when things were bothering him and usually could guess what they were. but i thought that he was closed off and that no one would be able to break down those walls he had built. i couldn't hardly blame him. i had been there before. those walls came tumbling down not too long ago. not sure why, but i am glad that they happened. db let will in and then i slowly but surely followed. i trust db more than anyone else i think. he's like my brother. he took jill's place and as much as i hate to admit it, i'm closer to him than i think i ever was to her. that makes me sad, but i digress. he worries me too. he gets in his quiet, thinking moods and shuts us all out again. maybe some day he'll see that we're there for him all the time. now last but not least....is jen. she's my definition best friend. when i cry, she cries too. when i laugh, she's the one making me. we've had a rough semester, but there is nothing that either of us wouldn't do for the other. someday she'll surpass erin by knowing the most about me. she's my little corrupter. she is the person in my life that i can laugh with for hours, discuss our problems for hours or just sit side by side on the computer for hours and never get bored. anything i have needed she's given. and w/ that usually comes a smart comment about the ppl that made me feel that way, but that's always what i need. she has kept me going when i didn't want to. she holds a lot of stuff back, even tho i know that she knows that i am here at all times.
so i began this whole thing talking about i was lonely and blah blah blah. friend-wise i'm surrounded by some absolutely fabulous people. i still long for him. the idea of him. whoever he may be. just someone to make me feel like i'm not going thru life alone. i think that's where my lovely (fraternity, etc) episodes came from the last year and a half. i wanted to be loved, i wanted to be wanted, so when i got it, i made poor choices w/ it. i regret a lot of them. it's just stupid stuff that i am not proud of. but what else do i have ya know? like i'm in a no win situation. it's either get a lil to satisfy some needs or take nothing and let the problem fester. i need some reassurance. and that's something that i can't get from friends. it has to come from someone. a guy i respect. not one person in particular. just a few words to let me know that i'm ok. and i'm not talking about me, just the me you see. it's real hard seeing ppl w/ their significant others. or talking to girls about their boyfriends. share the wealth please, if even just a little. i'm cool being independent. it's just nice to have someone sometimes. that's what i want. i'm not looking, i'm just waiting. sometimes not too patiently. i try not to let it bother me. i know that He has a plan for me. i guess i'd be more optimistic if i had a time window or an idea of who. hope isn't eternal.

growing up, it's all about dreams. what do you wanna be when you grow up? i had all these dreams, aspirations. there was so much i wanted. basically i wanted prefection, it was all i knew. i wanted the fairy tale in everything. i don't think i ever once got it though and that's ok. but as much as things change, they stay ironically the same way too often.

as a little girl, i wanted to be the first woman president of the united states. that didn't last too long though, thank goodness b/c i wouldn't want that now. then i started playing volleyball in third grade b/c my sister was playing. i continued to play every year after that b/c my sister did, i thought it was the cool thing to do. then i hit sixth grade and was asked to play on an elite team. volleyball went from hitting the ball over the net to devoting six hours a week to a sport to come home and spend an hour crying to my mom. then everything clicked and i owned the volleyball court. my favorite memory thus far in my lifetime was winning the Northern lights championships in minnesota. i served the last five points of the championship game. i had never been more excited in my life. at that point, i knew that i wanted to play volleyball for the rest of my life.

not a month went by after that night that i didn't pick a volleyball at least once and do some drill to make myself better. there was so much that i thought i could do. that lasted until november of my senior year. it was at that point when i knew that my strength wouldn't hold out for me to play volleyball in college. i gave up my dream for what i thought brought me happiness. maybe at the time it did, but in the long run it brought a lot more heartache.

i had the opportunity to reclaim the volleyball fame that may. but i thought i was beyond that, that i didn't want that anymore. and i didn't, for awhile. to convince myself of that, i didn't watch nor touch a volleyball game until more than a year later and by then i thought the love of the game was a childish memory.

yet this year i revisited the world of volleyball and began to fall in love with it again. i miss it. i miss what it did for me. i miss the euphoric feelings it gave me. i miss the high that the fans, coaches, and teammates shot into me. i want all that back. maybe i'll get it.

or maybe i'll fulfill these new scholastic and social dreams. or maybe they'll change and i'll grow up and won't know what i wanna be until it hits me.