i've been thinking about you a lot lately. maybe it's this time of year. it hit me tonight that i don't remember what your voice sounds like. that's how long it's been. even your face is a little fuzzy. your features aren't clear at all. i have to remind myself of what you look like, to remember. that makes me sorta sad. like 10% sad. and maybe i'm 90% apathetic at this point. i guess that's closure. finally getting over you after all this time. i feel like we were together longer than we actually were. we were the best of friends. granted we each had other best friends, but you were almost always #1. i look at how it ended and i know it had to end there. end for good?!?!, i do not know. i liked myself when i was w/ you. i can't remember another time that i was like that. i know that after the breakup you tried so hard for us to be friends or should i say remain friends. i can be friends w/ you now, b/c i'm over us. it was too hard then. i was too young and dealing w/ too much. i always blamed the breakup on us being apart and everything that was going on in my life. while those were big factors, they weren't everything. i didn't give to you like i should have. i'm sorry. i'm just now realizing what you needed. college isn't easy and i'm just now learning that. at this point i'm afraid to see you. i'm always on the lookout, just in case you happen to be there. you never are. half of me breathes a sigh of relief while the other half is disappointed. tho it's not like i'm around often enough for us to run into each other. i'm afraid of falling for you again. or maybe i'd be falling for the idea of us. there's no way that you can be the same guy that you were. everyone knows i am NOT that same girl. everything in my life has changed. you don't know that though. we haven't spoken in so long. i know that i should pick up the phone, but you know me, i never was good at making the first move. everything you knew about me is suddenly different. i wouldn't even know how to explain it. that was always one of the best parts about you though. you never made me explain. you just let me look at you and because of that look, you knew that it was gonna be ok. i don't have many of those looks anymore. i pushed them away after you and i were no more. i'm not even sure what they look like. i bet you're the one person who could find it though. you've been the one person all my life that understood me when i didn't say a thing. you didn't ask me a million questions trying to figure it all out, because you already knew. what's the future gonna hold for us? i still think of what we had planned. where we would live, how many kids, their names. it could have been so perfect and easy. on paper at least. of course we thought we'd last and be together forever. all young ppl think that way. i just wish it could have been true. if my friends now, could meet the real you, i know they'd love you. like i once did and maybe partially still do. i've cried so much this year. i started to think that these last few months i cried more than ever before. that's way wrong. i haven't cried over a guy since you and i don't intend to start. i can't imagine anyone being as worth it as you were. of course on the outside no one saw the tears. when i came home though, i went straight to my room and cried over the thought of never being in your arms again. never hearing you say i love you that certain way and meaning more than anything in the world. i don't remember when i cried my last cry for you. i don't remember my first cry for you. i just remember how you made me feel, unlike i'd ever felt before and that's all i need to remember. i'm still waiting for the guy that can match that feeling or surpass it. but in case you're wondering...i'm still holding out for you.

by the way, two weeks ago my best friend by tim mcgraw came on in the car. the girls forced me to listen, to get past it. they didn't even know about the song at the time, they could just tell in my face. i sat there staring out the car window, listening to the words that once spoke such truth where we were concerned and this flood of memories came back to me. i'll never forget the first time you played that song for me. you were so gross after the soccer game and i tried to act like it bothered me. you didn't care at all. there are many songs that i no longer like b/c of past bad memories. that's one song that i'll never forget because of good memories. i saw your number the other day and that one phrase came to mind "it's a sign". either way...this 5 on 17 will always be 22.

so i'm officially 21! i was lucky enough to have a surprise party thrown for me. it was all very nice. i got many signs and gifts. the girls all sung to me at the meeting. very sweet.

it's hard for me to imagine that a year from now a great majority of my friends will be gone and i'll still be here finishing out my degree. i'll still have friends here at least, but it's hard to lose the ones i have now. we had this gavel pass thing the other night. it wasn't the bad gavel pass kind, but a constructive one. i sat there realizing that i've gotten to know each senior who is leaving and that i may never seen some of them again. i'm sure i'll see tyler b/c of bri and brittany, but erica? jill? aynsley? anita? i can't imagine not seeing those girls at least once a week, let alone for more than a semester. anita and jill are two that i've gotten especially close to. i just can't fathom them leaving.

this is all so crazy. i used to think that when i got outta college that i would go to california or someplace far away w/o knowing anybody and i would start over again w/ my new job and begin my adult life. i realized that i can't do that again. i came to college not knowing a soul and while it worked out better than i could ever have possibly imagined, i know that i can't do it again. i don't want to try. i love the ppl i have in my life. i don't need a new beginning.

like we've planned recently, i'll move to you know where and get an apartment w/ you know who and just teach in an elementary school there while getting my master's or doctorate you know where. then knowing me i'll prolly marry you know who and we'll move you know where and everyone will be all happy and content, right? ehhh i suppose.

ok so right now one thing that is bugging me is selfishness. ppl that think they're the only ones who have problems. everyone has problems. put yourself in someone else's shoes. no one else will care about you until you care about them. so stop being selfish b/c one of these days, there will be nothing left of you.

So it's been awhile since I've done this. I've done a great deal of thinking this summer. Serious thinking we're talkin too.

I'm not the same girl I was in high school. As much as i'd like to be her again sometimes, i won't ever be. i don't think i can.

i've changed. i'm 20 years old and i'm about to start my third year in college and i feel like i've been outta my house forever. i'm in charge of me now. i think i've done a fairly good job.

i always do this....i get real passionate about writing and then i go do something else or start to think about a different topic and can't get back into it.

grr i hate that. to be continued