i've been thinking about you a lot lately. maybe it's this time of year. it hit me tonight that i don't remember what your voice sounds like. that's how long it's been. even your face is a little fuzzy. your features aren't clear at all. i have to remind myself of what you look like, to remember. that makes me sorta sad. like 10% sad. and maybe i'm 90% apathetic at this point. i guess that's closure. finally getting over you after all this time. i feel like we were together longer than we actually were. we were the best of friends. granted we each had other best friends, but you were almost always #1. i look at how it ended and i know it had to end there. end for good?!?!, i do not know. i liked myself when i was w/ you. i can't remember another time that i was like that. i know that after the breakup you tried so hard for us to be friends or should i say remain friends. i can be friends w/ you now, b/c i'm over us. it was too hard then. i was too young and dealing w/ too much. i always blamed the breakup on us being apart and everything that was going on in my life. while those were big factors, they weren't everything. i didn't give to you like i should have. i'm sorry. i'm just now realizing what you needed. college isn't easy and i'm just now learning that. at this point i'm afraid to see you. i'm always on the lookout, just in case you happen to be there. you never are. half of me breathes a sigh of relief while the other half is disappointed. tho it's not like i'm around often enough for us to run into each other. i'm afraid of falling for you again. or maybe i'd be falling for the idea of us. there's no way that you can be the same guy that you were. everyone knows i am NOT that same girl. everything in my life has changed. you don't know that though. we haven't spoken in so long. i know that i should pick up the phone, but you know me, i never was good at making the first move. everything you knew about me is suddenly different. i wouldn't even know how to explain it. that was always one of the best parts about you though. you never made me explain. you just let me look at you and because of that look, you knew that it was gonna be ok. i don't have many of those looks anymore. i pushed them away after you and i were no more. i'm not even sure what they look like. i bet you're the one person who could find it though. you've been the one person all my life that understood me when i didn't say a thing. you didn't ask me a million questions trying to figure it all out, because you already knew. what's the future gonna hold for us? i still think of what we had planned. where we would live, how many kids, their names. it could have been so perfect and easy. on paper at least. of course we thought we'd last and be together forever. all young ppl think that way. i just wish it could have been true. if my friends now, could meet the real you, i know they'd love you. like i once did and maybe partially still do. i've cried so much this year. i started to think that these last few months i cried more than ever before. that's way wrong. i haven't cried over a guy since you and i don't intend to start. i can't imagine anyone being as worth it as you were. of course on the outside no one saw the tears. when i came home though, i went straight to my room and cried over the thought of never being in your arms again. never hearing you say i love you that certain way and meaning more than anything in the world. i don't remember when i cried my last cry for you. i don't remember my first cry for you. i just remember how you made me feel, unlike i'd ever felt before and that's all i need to remember. i'm still waiting for the guy that can match that feeling or surpass it. but in case you're wondering...i'm still holding out for you.

by the way, two weeks ago my best friend by tim mcgraw came on in the car. the girls forced me to listen, to get past it. they didn't even know about the song at the time, they could just tell in my face. i sat there staring out the car window, listening to the words that once spoke such truth where we were concerned and this flood of memories came back to me. i'll never forget the first time you played that song for me. you were so gross after the soccer game and i tried to act like it bothered me. you didn't care at all. there are many songs that i no longer like b/c of past bad memories. that's one song that i'll never forget because of good memories. i saw your number the other day and that one phrase came to mind "it's a sign". either way...this 5 on 17 will always be 22.