so i've always been a firm believer that things happen for a reason. it's rare that we ever find out why those reasons are, yet if we really look hard then we can see why they do happen sometimes. some people never look though. i'm the opposite. i'm always looking. i wanna know. i wanna know why i am the way i am and why you are the way you are and why everything happens in my life.

i know why i was born with a cleft lip and palate. that's the easiest one of them all. it's so that i'd be compassionate and accepting. i'd prolly be a shallow witch right now if it wasn't for those two things. which reminds me of another thing, i don't believe in using the words deformity or defect to describe how i was born. abnormality isn't appropriate either. back to my main topic however....i would never wish a cleft lip/palate on my worst enemy, yet if i could change anything about me, it wouldn't be that. not at all. i have so much empathy for people who are born with diseases or other situations that they cannot help. if this didn't happen to me or to my family, i don't think i'd like who i'd be right now.

the depression thing is another easy one. the main reason i went through it was so that i could help other people in my life get through it or at least let me know how i needed to be there for them. once again, that was right in front of my eyes.

questions that i don't understand are why certain people come into my life. why do some get soo close to me and then leave almost right away and why do others stay for long periods of time? why do certain people have such an impact on me day in and day out? why do i have such an impact on some people? i always say that life would be easier if i just knew, but then it would be boring, uninteresting and not very fun.

like w/ my friends. one in particular. is this how it ends? someone who i once thought would always be a shoe-in to be in my wedding now no longer cares or crosses my mind in passing. why did i have that fantastic friendship for so long for it to just tarnish like this?

i could go on, but suddenly my heart is telling me to stop. stop before i say something that i may wanna take back later. wow...that doesn't happen often. so i guess that's it.