so tonight for some reason, i felt compelled to right the situation w/ erin. and like i had assumed, she was as clueless as i thought. she had no freaking clue that i didn't want to be friends w/ her or even stopped considering her a friend. now i'm not sure how i want it to go. like it pisses me off that she can be so apathetic about everything and act so freaking naive. ahhhhhh

so ya know i've got these 20 resolutions. and for the most part i haven't broken them. and already i feel sooo much happier. i feel like i'm getting back to my favorite Courtney. she was sooo much fun to be. that girl didn't care and had sooo much self confidence. 19 more you know whats and i'm prolly gonna be stepping into her shoes again. 29 more you know whats and i'm sooooo her again. that's all i want right now. ok not true. i want something else. funny really b/c i usually don't make decisions (which caused a resolution) but i have made a decision about what i want and i haven't told anyone else about it. i wonder if i will. prolly not, i don't ever tell the real real real private stuff. erin's the only person i've ever trusted w/ that info. and as seen by paragraph 1, she hasn't found out anything about me w/in the last equinox.

so yeah it's gonna be a rough semester. obviously my biggest course load ever, along w/ that stupid thing i took on on monday nite, not to mention what i want to get outta my social life this semester....i'm worried. i haven't really told anyone how scared i am that i'm gonna do bad. i cannot stand failure when it's w/ in me. i don't care about other ppl's failures, only mine. failure is not an option. full plate until you die, has always been my way of life. and now that it's returned, i'm panicking. ahhhh for the first time i actually feel like i'm in college. elementary-junior yr was a breeze. i didn't lift a finger and the A's just found me. senior yr i worked my butt off a great deal but missed too much to do A work, so B suddenly tainted my perfect record. that first and only C about killed me. so i spent senior yr doing work work work only to coast thru my first 3 semesters of college that felt like sophomore yr. now that the goings getting tough, where am i going?